Tip #5

If it is 12:15 and your kids are hungry, do not attempt to make a "quick stop" at Trader Joe's before you take them home for lunch, assuming the free sample of granola or whatever will be enough to stave off the crazies that hunger inevitably causes.

For the love of god, do not attempt.


Also, if you want to feel like a real asshole, huff and puff and mutter loudly about the stoned and stupid check-out clerk, who is taking FOREVER to ring up everybody's purchases, as you wait in line. Then, when you finally get to the front so you can glare at him, have him smile and tell you how cute your kids are and commiserate about how tough it is to grocery shop with kids.

Tip #4

If you are making candied walnuts and have the sugar in the pan over low heat, as the recipe directs, but after what seems like a very long time the sugar is not melting, do not turn up the heat and then pop into the office to check blogs "for a second".

Billowing black smoke all over the house and bubbly black tar in the pan will not taste good in your salad.

The smoke detector at my neighbor's house went off, and while I can't be sure that the blackened sugar was the cause, I have a feeling.

___________________________________________________________________
(Imagine a segue here)

It is possible (and I know this will come as a shock to you) that my last post may have been a wee bit dramatic.

Thing is, therapy is hard. I don't like talking about myself, I don't like hearing all the things that I'm doing wrong, I don't like having to adjust to Lance's "style" of communicating, I don't like feeling judged. So perhaps I am projecting some of my discomfort onto Dr. Bite Me.

Actually, the funny (yeah, it's a laugh riot, Amy) thing is this: Lance and I have actually been getting along much better lately. Some of that has to do with the fact that Vivian is in school and this gives me the freedom to take a shit when I want for the first time in 3-1/2 years. Some of that has to do with the little attitude adjustment* I gave myself a few weeks ago. Some of it (maybe) has to do with therapy.

I'm not entirely sure that Dr. Bite Me is the perfect counselor, but Lance seems to like him, and I am lazy, and also that "make do with what you have and don't complain" upbringing dies hard, so we'll probably stick with him.

*Can't tell, can you?

Tip #3

If you are going to cook dinner during nap time, do not burn the vegetables to the extent that the fire alarm in the children's room sounds 15 minutes after they've both finally conked out.

Or, at least provide earplugs (for all parties) before-hand.

Tip #2

Do not purchase white canvas pants for your crawling 11 month old, no matter how cute they are.

Particuarly if you don't manage to mop the floors very often (ahem).







(Sadly, this picture doesn't even do justice to the dirt, grease and grime left as more evidence of bad parenting on her pants.)

Tip

If you have packed up the kids and driven to the park only to discover you left the double stroller at home, turn around and go get it.

Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to carry 8 month old and diaper bag in one arm while holding the hand of 23 month old the 100 yards or so from parking lot to playground.

Also: do not request help from random 8 year old when trying to get tantrumming 23 month old and crying 8 month old back to the car because 1. random 8 year old's mother will think you are a kidnapper, and 2. random 8 year olds are not the most reliable help.