History

Pregnancy #1: Age 19; terminated

Pregnancy #2: Age 30; miscarried at 5 weeks

Pregnancy #3: Age 31; "missed" miscarriage, baby died at 5 weeks, pregnancy lost naturally at 10 weeks

Pregnancy #4: Age 33; resulted in first live birth (Isaac!) Failed AFP at 16 weeks, given 1 in 11 chance for Down Syndrome. Level 2 ultrasound revealed marker for Down Syndrome on heart; sent immediately for amnio. Results come back normal. Low amniotic fluid at 29 weeks resulting in 10 weeks of bed-rest. Birth long but uneventful. Eventually discover he has rare condition (1 in 20,000) that occured somewhere around 7 month of pregnancy, possibly due to low amniotic fluid, but more probably "just a fluke". No cure, but there is treatment.

Pregnancy #5: Age 34; resulted in second live birth (Vivian!) Failed AFP at 16 weeks, given 1 in 16o chance for Down Syndrome. Level 2 ultrasound showed healthy baby, amnio declined. C-section delivery due to breech position. Currently healthy, unless you count extreme stubborness, brain-piercing whining and innumerable tantrums an illness (which maybe we should).

Pregnancy #6: Age 37; miscarried at 12.5 weeks, 1 week post CVS procedure. CVS results come back: genetically normal, boy. Doctors guess miscarriage caused by CVS but cannot guarantee this. (Aside: CVS was performed by the "pioneer" of CVSes; he has a 99.5% success rate, well above the national average.)

Pregnancy #7: Age 38; uneventful 1st trimester punctuated by biweekly ultrasounds, baby seems to be growing appropriately. Sent for 1st trimester screening at 12 weeks; nuchal fold test results in "gray area", meaning that they cannot say whether baby looks good or not and must wait for the results of the blood test, which we should get in about a week. As I have failed two prior blood tests, chances are extremely good I will fail again, at which point I need to decide whether to have the freaking CVS test again. Meanwhile, good friend gives birth to 3rd child after passing her screening tests and finds out child has Down Syndrome anyway.

UPDATE: Blood test came back positive: 1 in 87 chance for Down's. Not as bad as I thought, but we did the CVS anyway, mostly because Lance is freaked out by the fact that our friend's baby has Down Syndrome even after she had a good screening. CVS performed on Thursday by the same doctor who did Isaac's amnio, preliminary results came back Friday afternoon: everything looks good, boy. Now we just wait and see if the baby survives the procedure. Ultrasound scheduled for Monday morning at OB.

*****

I realize that some people have struggled much more than this but still I am feeling particularly sorry for myself today. And also a little pissed off. Why is this so difficult? Why do some people breeze through the reproductive stuff while others (read: me) face block after block? And perhaps most importantly, why in the hell do I think I should have a 3rd child, knowing what I know about my own reproductive history? Why can't I just be happy with the two beautiful children that I am blessed to have? What is wrong with me?