Okay. Sometimes I am very dramatic. The truth is that while I can't seem to make myself do all the things that would improve my marriage, I am still doing some of the things, on the good days at least. I do love him, I want to be married to him.
The other day a very wise friend said, "If you still love him and you know you want to be with him, then you have to figure out a way to be happy with him. You don't want to look back at this time in 30 years, when you are not upset anymore, and regret that you didn't make the most of it."
I'm not sure why the dark days are so dark, or why even on good days I am not able to muster up the sort of kindness he deserves, but I'm trying to work on it. I'm considering seeing a counselor. So there's that.
Also I've been meaning to write a post about Lance, about why he feels the way he does, or at least how he got there. It's percolating, and it will probably help me to write it, although sometimes thinking about him just makes me angry. We have a lot of forgiving to do, the two of us.
****
One of the things I've been trying to do, in an effort to accept my new four-person-family reality, is embrace the good things about NOT being pregnant. Embracing the alcohol has been easy, I've been succeeding wildly at that.
Next up, trying to reclaim my body. If I am not going to be pregnant, at least I can work on not being fat. I've got 10-12 lbs of spare tire thanks to the last year of pregnancy and it's really depressing trying to fit into summer clothes.
To that end, I started walking. (I have to start slow, I am embarrassingly out of shape.) So I walked for 30 minutes around the neighborhood and promptly got shin splints. Next I tried yoga, which I Tivo'd off the Oxygen network, and all I can say is, ouch. At least doing it at home means that I am the only witness to my humiliation. May I suggest, if you have a body like mine, that you wear a t-shirt, and not just a sports bra, while doing yoga? Because the sight of your huge, cottage-cheese speckled belly hanging over the band of your yoga pants while you white knuckle through the pyramid pose (or whatever it's called) is not so much motivating as it is horrifying. Trust me on this.
I also ordered Turbo Jam (a Sundry recommendation, just like the yoga) but I have not had a chance to try it, since I threw my back out this morning. Yes, I am extremely pathetic. Now I'm hobbling around like a granny in need of a walker and who knows when I'll be able to exercise again.
Body:1 3 billion; Amy:0.
*****
I am not sure what I'm doing here, blogging again. I don't feel like this is a permanent change for me, which is why I've felt so uncomfortable leaving comments at new-to-me blogs. I hate to forge a relationship with people, just to bail once I'm feeling less screwed up. I have been commenting some at old friends' blogs, but I just haven't yet fully embraced my position as a blogger again. So the new blogs make me feel shy. And I rather liked lurking, not feeling any obligation to comment, the last year or two when I wasn't sharing my life here.
All that as an apology. If you have left me a kind comment over the past few weeks, and I haven't reciprocated, I am sorry. It's not that I don't appreciate it, trust me, I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your words of wisdom and support.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Random thoughts
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
"I hate to forge a relationship with people, just to bail once I'm feeling less screwed up."
That's thoughtful.
"And I rather liked lurking, not feeling any obligation to comment"
I totally understand that feeling.
I hope you don't bail. I love your writing style.
I think it would be an excellent idea to see a counselor. Not only one for yourself, but maybe a marriage counselor too.
It's funny, but I went looking for new blogs and I found yours and I loved your writing, from the first post I read. I understand that it may be a short lived return for you and that's truly okay. I'll still stick around, if that's alright? Hey, I still have three years of archives to read, right?
On the marriage thing, well only you can know what's right for you. No ones thoughts on that really matter, unless you want them to. Plus, this is your space to say what you want, to get your feelings out, so you should say whatever you want and not feel like you have to explain it. It doesn't mean you don't love him or you want to divorce him.
Two more things and then I'll stop hogging your space. The first is you never have to feel obligated to read or visit my site or reply to me at all, I don't mind. Plus, I'm pretty freaking boring and I'm not sure why I bother posting most of the time. I read and comment so I don't feel alone, simple as that.
The other is this: "they" (whoever the hell they are) say that when you've lost someone, you shouldn't make any big decisions for at least a year. Not moving or changing careers or marriage or divorce. That if you do, it may just be the grief making those decisions, not the real you. So my advice is, grieve. Grieve for both those babies, because it's real, no matter if your husband agrees or not. They were a part of you, just as much as those beautiful kids you have are. Grieve for the closing on that chapter of your life. And then when you're done, maybe you'll know exactly what you want to do in your marriage or not.
Anyway, that's my assvice for the day. Hugs to you.
ThanKs a Low..
Post a Comment