Wednesday, June 01, 2005

You know what it is?

What makes this so hard for me, and makes me feel so put upon?

Sometimes I don't like myself very much. I don't respect what I do. I feel like a cop-out or slacker for being a stay-at-home-mom.

And I know that rationally that doesn't make any sense. I know that staying home with these two is a really great thing for them. I know it has value.

But it doesn't feel like it. I mean, how can I value my time when all I do all day is wipe monstrous disgusting diaper blow-outs? Really, doing the laundry and making dinner is not rocket science. Neither is taking care of the munchkins.

It's like when you're in highschool, and you're working at the yogurt shop at the mall. When your Dad says "We're so proud of you", or "Look what a great job your doing", all you can think is "Give me a break." You know that what you're doing is lame. You're getting paid minimum wage, for pete's sake! You pour frozen yogurt into cones all day long. Nothing great about that.

That is how I feel some days. Since I hate myself at those times, I pick fights with my husband. I act like my day has been intolerably hard--because if it's hard, then it must have value, right?

I wonder if this feeling put-upon would manifest itself in a different way if I worked.

19 days from right now we will be out of surgery with Isaac.

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