Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Hard

I feel a need to say this: I love my kids. I love them more than I love ice cream when I'm pregnant. I also enjoy them. On a daily basis. I spend all of my time with them, and I laugh and I giggle and I smile-- and bask in the glory that is Isaac and Vivian. I do this every day. I am not saying so to prove I am a good mother. I am saying so because it is true. Many, many many moments of my day are too good to describe.

But you know what? I don't try very hard to describe them. I let them flit away, like the bubbles Isaac blows in the backyard. I worry about how small our house is, how much my sleep is interrupted, how much trouble 2 kids under two is. I spend hours at the computer, stewing and stewing and venting about how hard my life is.

I am not the only person to ever have 2 children. Why am I such a martyr all the time? Why do I need to tell stories about the epic temper tantrum Isaac had at the mall, while leaving out the times he comes up behind me, and hugs me, saying "I love my cuddle-monkey"?

I am resentful and spiteful--mean, really--to my husband. I complain daily on my blog, on the phone, over e-mail. "Oh, I couldn't possibly meet you for dinner, I am much too busy. Having kids is hard work, you know". I feel isolated, and un-appreciated, and overwhelmed, but I don't try and fix it. That is my identity now.

What, am I afraid if I admit I am having a good time it will all be taken away?

Except that's not really it. It actually is hard, being a stay at home mom to two tiny people. I am definitely overwhelmed by the minutiae that is my days. And I miss adult conversations, and adult problems more than I can explain.

I just don't understand why I focus so much on the negative. So much goodness abounds, too, but for some reason I don't hang onto those moments.

I hate feeling so put-upon all the time. Yet I control my own emotions, and I still allow myself to feel this way.

Why?

Does anybody else feel/act this way? Or am I just a big baby and need to get a grip? And if that is the case, any advice on how to do that?

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