Surprise

A few weeks ago I thought I was pregnant.

Let us count the ways this is crazy:

1. It took us over a year to conceive Isaac. Granted, it only took 2 months to conceive Vivian, but that was just some sort of cosmic joke, the universe's way of teaching me--"Be careful what you wish for".
2. I am on the pill. I have not missed a day. Or taken an antibiotic. Or done anything to interfere with its 99% effectiveness rate.
3. Lance and I have not been feeling very (ahem) amorous lately, so while you couldn't call it The Immaculate Conception, it would be close.

Still, there I was, feeling tired, and crampy, and irritable. Wanting a steak, of all things! Getting dizzy for no apparent reason! Ohmigod, my boobs are sore! It's Monday, and I haven't started my period yet! Jesus, this one will only be 22 months younger than Vivian! Holy shit, I won't be able to drink for another year! Fuck Fuck Fuck, I have to get all the crappy maternity clothes out of the garage! Lance is going to kill me! We'll never fit 3 kids in this house! How will we pay for preschool?* . .. .

And so on. Until Tuesday morning, which I suddenly remember, is the time I usually get my period once I start the week of placebo pills.

Did you ever read this? That last sentence has been bouncing around in my brain since I read it a few months ago. There doesn't exist a better description of the way I felt.

I'll just retype it here, in case you're too lazy to go to the page I so nicely linked for you:

"All the cells in your brain are cheering — throwing their pompoms in the air and turning cartwheels, their little white skirts flipping up while they yell, "Not, not pregnant! N-O-T! P-R-E!! G-N-A-N-T!!!"
But your heart — your greedy, irrational heart — is sitting on the curb with its head in its hands."**


*Susanna, if you're reading this, one of my first thoughts was also, "How the hell am I going to tell Susanna? This is so unfair!"

**I want to give proper credit, so if you don't go to the link, know this was written by Catherine Newman, who writes "Bringing up Ben and Birdy" for Parentcenter.