Is there a way to make sure I never have to go to the mall again? Ever, in my life?

I hate shopping for a number of reasons, including but not limited to: my unfortunate guilt about spending money on myself, my complete lack of style, and oceans of impatience. Truly, she is the only reason I have any respectable clothes whatsoever.

However, this weekend I am going to Palm Desert for a bachelorette party with some very stylish women, and I need something to wear that does not scream MOM! or SLOB! or WHAT IS SHE THINKING? Isaac was in school this morning, so I dragged Vivian off to the mall. (Remember my last post about the mall? Could this be another reason to hate shopping? I wonder . . .)

All I need is a new pair of jeans, and a nice shirt or outfit of some kind to wear out to dinner Saturday night. Okay, then:

Banana Republic Women--first of all, the entire store was on sale, which normally would be great but since a sale at Banana Republic means you pay $75 dollars for a skirt instead of $100, I wasn't really feeling it. Not to mention--whoa, ugly clothes. Still, I managed to find a few shirts, skirts, and jeans to try on. Who knew clothes could be that unflattering? Oh, and also HUGE on me, which prompted me to try

Banana Republic Petites--same ugly clothes but with a smaller selection. I tried on two pairs of jeans, both of which were TINY on me. Moving on

to Nordstrom, where they have basically two sections: one with clothes for my grandmother, and the "BrassPlum" which is fantastic if you are 18 years old and looking for just the right $25 pair of jeans to show off in science class. Next, we headed to

Bebe--full of poorly made, ridiculously expensive clothes that would be PERFECT, if I were thinking of selling my body on Sunset Boulevard tonight. Since I haven't sunk that low (yet), on to

Guess, which is where I purchased the pair of jeans I currently wear 4 days out of 5. I didn't necessarily want the same pair, but they are good jeans*, so if I had to buy them again, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There were two pairs of jeans in the store in my size, both of which were bejeweled and ripped for effect--definitely not me. No tops or outfits worth trying either.

Next we tried Express, which proved the most frustrating stop of all. There was the holy grail of jeans, a huge wall of them, different styles and colors to choose from. However, said wall of jeans was not organized in ANY fashion, so to find the pair in the style, color and size you need you had to pull out each and every pair to check the number. None of the 10 "sales associates" in the store could be bothered to help me. Giving up on the jeans, I went to check out their blouses, where I was able to find two mediocre tops. One of them fit fine, but the color is not the best on me: tan with other neutrals as a pattern, which when contrasted with my dirty blonde hair and pasty complexion combine to make me even more invisible than usual. I almost bought it in desperation, until I realized it was $54. Next.

Finally, to the Gap, where I thought I at least would be able to find some jeans. Alas, of the 6,000 pairs they had on display there, only 3 were in my size, and those were the "curvy" ones, which don't really work on someone with absolutely no curves whatsoever (think "boyish", with an unfortunately long torso), like me. The sales associate there was only slightly more helpful than those at Express: she did offer to help, but when I told her my size and which jeans I was looking for, she said "These right here are the straight ones", pointed to a rack that had none in my size, and then walked away. The only good news is that I did manage to escape the store without purchasing any tank tops, something I rarely can manage. Tank tops are my staple, and also--incredibly boring.

Two hours later, Vivian and I left the mall empty-handed, swearing and screaming, and rushed off to get Isaac from school. This weekend I will be sporting the same old jeans I've been wearing nonstop for the past year, along with my standard uniform of tank tops and/or t-shirts with a zip-up sweatshirt for warmth. Watch out, Tyra Banks, I could be giving your next "Top Model" a run for her money.

*I can't find the same pair on their website, which means they've probably stopped making them. Fabulous.