Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Some days

are harder than others. Some days it just all seems so endless and overwhelming. I'm awake for 45 minutes and I've already been working harder than I used to at the office all day. And there is still more to do.

What makes it even more depressing is that most of the work is not even remotely challenging or rewarding. At least when you are working, there is a sense of accomplishment, a certain amount of pride that comes with doing your job. Of course I am proud of my job as a mother, but here there is no one to validate that feeling. At work, you get a paycheck, you get pats on the back, you get the respect of your peers. But here, at home . . it's not like Isaac and Vivian are doling out strokes every time I fold their clothes for them. And I can't validate myself either--after all, folding laundry is not rocket science. An 8 year old could do what I do.

Changing dirty diapers, taking out the trash, changing the sheets, grocery shopping, cooking, feeding, cleaning, bathing, paying bills, sweeping--GOD. Thankless, thankless, thankless grunt work. And it ALL has to been done, SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. Over and over and over again, no end in sight.

Every night I lie in bed and think of things I need to do the next day. People I haven't talked to in ages who deserve a phone call, doctors' appointments (mine) to make, letters to write. And every day for that 1.5 hours when both kids are asleep, it's all I can do to clean up the kitchen from lunch and lay down on the couch for some TiVo. Or pop on the computer to blog. So the next night I make the same list in my head, and add whatever else I've thought of that day. (Arrange rental cars for Hawaii, send thank you notes from the birthday party, make reservation for Lance's birthday dinner . . .)

To all my good friends out there who I have lost touch with, I'm sorry. To my dentist and OB, who keep sending me "Its time for a check-up!" notices, I'm trying. To Grandma, who is having a hard time and who really needs some love, I am going to call you soon, I promise. Really!

I am just struggling ever so slightly today, but tomorrow will be better.

Update: since I am feeling particularly whiny and woe-is-me today, I'll just add this: Vivian, the incessant crying, fussing and whining for no apparant reason is really wearing. So stop it already.

1 comment:

Amy said...

I work full-time but I give you A LOT of credit. Not that it's even an option for me financially, but when I've thought about being a stay at home mom, I've really felt that I couldn't do it. Work kind of provides an "escape" for me. Ivy has been particularly difficult lately (cute, but still difficult) and I don't know if I could take it all day. I consider myself a patient person, but I end up yelling at her when she's smearing lip gloss all over the bathroom, smearing cheese on the windows, climbing in the fridge and insisting she has to use the bathroom at the same time I have to. Ivy will be 3 next week (it's hard to believe!) and people keep asking me when I'm going to have another. So God bless you with your two little ones. I don't think I could do it!

(They're beautiful little kids by the way)